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14 of the funniest remarks from ostomates that'll make you LOL

It's true, ostomates say the darndest things. These are priceless!

Having a rough week? Not to worry! We found some hilarious remarks from some 'mates' that will brighten up your day. Most are really funny, some are silly, a few are witty, but all are in good fun.

1. On counting your blessings.

"Now I really am holier than thou."

2. Ladies...

3. Halloween brings new meaning.

"This is the first year I felt sympathy for the pumpkin as I scooped out its guts." – Jennifer Martino Trosclair

ostomy pouch pumpkin

4. On being the "expert."

This is how my friend asks me for advice about his digestive/poop issues.

– Joe Teeters, Double Baggin It

text messages

5. Every. Single. Time.

Goes to the bathroom to pee.

Empties ostomy bag.

Leaves bathroom.

Realizes she's forgotten to urinate.

– Marya DeBlasi  

6. On the bright side.

I've got 99 problems but a colon ain't one.

7. Ostomy math.

Box of 10 one-piece appliances. Throw in 15 stickers for use on the poo-gas vent (which clogs after day one, causing the bag to fill with poo gas anyway). Add 5 garbage bags to dispose of pouches after use.

Now, if Timmy changes his poo bag 10 times, and the company that makes his poo bags puts 5 garbage bags in with his 10 poo bags (which are not reusable because of the poo), does Timmy have enough garbage bags to take care of the job at hand? Please show your work...

8. I think you could be onto something here. 

Look what they are selling at stores now. Maybe we can all become rich... or actually pay back our medical bills!!

640 bag of poop

9. Rise and shine!

Woke up with a balloon on my stomach. Surprised I didn’t fly away.

10. What do you call your stoma?

I call my stoma ‘Politician’ because it's either completely full of crap, or making a lot of noise but not producing a damn thing.

11. She's got skills all right. 

12. Must be a guy thing.

I tried educating my buddies about ostomies. The only take-home message was that I can’t fart anymore.

13. On saying goodbye…

This is my colon, Bob. After we were separated, he went on to become a TV star. And no, he never calls.

14. Something only best friends understand.